There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire
the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he
said.
"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No
relation."
The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."
A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.
She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
"Wait a minute," said the writer. "This is just as bad as hell!"
"Oh no, it's not," replied an unseen voice. "Here, your work gets published."
A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His
sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?”
the man asks.
“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was
your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire.
It went up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the
house. Poor Fluffy is--”
“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” The man says. “My agent called?”
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She answered, "If I tell you, it will defeat the purpose."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
Q. What's the difference between publishers and terrorists?
A. You can negotiate with terrorists.
Three guys are
sitting at a bar
#1: "...Yeah, I make $75,000 a year after taxes."
The third guy has been sitting there quietly, staring into his beer, when the
others turn to him.
#2: "Hey, how much do you make per year?"
#3: "Gee... hmmm... I guess about $13,000."
#1: "Oh yeah? What kind of stories do you write?"
A male romance novelist was hiking in the
mountains, and he came upon a shepherd who was tending a large herd of sheep
that were grazing in the alpine meadow. The writer took a fancy to the sheep,
and asked the shepherd: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I
have one?"
The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought that there was little
chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he said,
"Sure." The writer guessed, "You have 287 sheep," to the
shepherd's astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had. The
writer got excited and asked "Can I pick out my sheep now?" and the
shepherd grudgingly gave his permission.
The writer selected his sheep, bent
over, and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with him.
The shepherd then asked, "If I guess what your occupation is, can I have my
sheep back?"
The novelist was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal.
The shepherd then guessed "You're a romance novelist, aren't you?"
The writer was very surprised and asked, "How did you
know?"
The shepherd responded, "Put the dog down and we'll talk about it."
How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
A. Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q. How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Why does it *have* to be changed?
Q. How many cover blurb writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: Ten
1st draft. Hero changes light bulb.
2nd draft. Villain changes light bulb.
3rd draft. Hero stops villain from changing light bulb. Villain
falls to death.
4th draft. Lose the light bulb.
5th draft. Light bulb back in. Fluorescent instead of tungsten.
6th draft. Villain breaks bulb, uses it to kill hero's mentor.
7th draft. Fluorescent not working. Back to tungsten.
8th draft. Hero forces villain to eat light bulb.
9th draft. Hero laments loss of light bulb. Doesn't change it.
10th draft. Hero changes light bulb.